How many years could I face in prison for what I’ve done?

Ok, so here is the deal: I have committed crimes and am under house arrest until I go to court. I want to know how many years I can face in prison for them.

My crimes are:
Taking a dump on a guys porch that’s about 3 blocks away from me for the past month (He has it all on video)
Throwing my feces at 7 different children in the park.
Managing to escape from an officer.
Running back to the officers car and smearing my feces all over the his windshield and trying to escape but failed this time.
Taking a dump behind the counter at abrys and stealing 4 boxes full of ketchup and pushing over all the trash cans until I was fired.
Taking a dump in walmart behind the shelves where they sell toothpaste, deo, etc.
Taking another dump in arbys while I went there to get a b-fast wrap right in the dooray (no one could see me though except the cameras)
Stealing fish food from petsmart to feed my 7 pet angelfish
stealing 7 angelfish from a local petshop
Taking a dump during the after hours in a goldfish tank and peeing in the fire bellied toads enclosure at petsmart.
Pushing over an entire store shelf and the manager when he tried to fire me from petsmart.
Broke open the claw machine and stole all the stuffed animals.
Took a dump in the claw machine the next day because it still wasn’t fixed. ( they still hadn’t checked the cameras to see who broke the claw machine)
Took a dump in my neighbors unlocked car (three times)
Took a dump in the cops car while he drove me back to my house and peed on him while he carried me back to my house.

Thats all the crimes I’ve committed and I don’t wanna go to jail! How many years will I have !? PLEASE HELP! How would I get out of the most jail time!

My neighbors dog looks neglected?

Our neighbors dog got loose today while he was away and came to our back door. My mom looked at her collar and it was way too tight. She took it off, and her neck was missing a lot of hair because of it. We noticed that our neighbor keeps her in a small, overgrown, backyard enclosure and she never gets a chance to run around and have fun. This is the only time we’ve seen her out. My mom gave her food and water. She was really thirsty and hungry but she’s not skinny. Our neighbor hasn’t returned yet and the dog is still hanging around our back porch. What should we say to our neighbor when he returns? Should we just go and buy the dog a new collar and not say anything at all? I really don’t know what to do, but I feel sorry for the dog. Any help would be appreciated.

How do I stop my dogs from running through my pool enclosure screens?

The screens initially had holes in them when we moved into the home, so the dogs learned to go in and out through the screens to run around the fenced in back yard. The only problem is that they are dragging all sorts of dirt and debris in with them which is making a complete mess of our patio. My husband goes outside and repairs the screens only to have the dogs run full speed through them, pulling them out again. We’ve tried glue, probably not the right glue, to enforce the rubber piping holding the screens in, but maybe we didn’t use very good glue? Please help! We are exhausted from cleaning the back porch constantly!